Knowing When to Keep My Big Mouth Shut

     When you are married or in a close intimate relationship it is good to know when to keep your mouth shut. (I am speaking for myself here, but if you can use it to improve conditions in your household, please, take ownership).

Simple conversation...
     "Would you like to go to the mall with us later", I asked.
     "Nope. I don't want to spend any money".
     "Who said anything about spending money? Whatever." (Should have just said okay, see you in a little while, and left it at that...but, NO!!!)

     Momentary fog of the brain...autopilot kicks in...something egoic begins to build within me...I turn and walk away and say nothing and it is a very provocative turning away, as evidenced by my significant other following me up the stairs, making comments, insisting that I am angry...of course, he is not. My energetic reaction is in the air and it is attacking his senses...and he is defending his position!
     This is the moment of awareness that comes to me often, and still, I have not integrated the lesson with enough clarity and conviction, so that it continues to play out in my life...whenever I don't like the answer I get I sabotage myself with an innate 'tantrum' (withholding communication) that sort of sucks me up into its nasty self and spits me out into a foul discussion that is more adversarial than kind...I say nothing...and that seems to say it all.
     *Note to self: My mouth is vast...like the ocean: It can flow peacefully and encourage others to ride the gentleness and tranquility of the waves I created with an intention of love, or they (and myself) can be crushed by the blow of my cross-current words, sent with an intention of destruction, when they hit too close to the shoreline.
     These are the moments that I experience self-loathing. Part of the human experience. So unpleasant, yet, I seem to relish in it...or I would have broken the habit long ago.
     I realize now, some hours later, that I could have just done some yoga, stretched, taken a walk, or just sat outside for a few minutes. This is a common scenario when I am nature-deprived, sleep deprived, unintentional, or just need to give myself some extra attention.
     I got a nice, big dose of myself today, so I will be more aware the next time, give myself a little more space about it, and make a different decision that will spare us all of the ugly details. Nice going girl!!!